Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
what?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
this is the best day of my life
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.