Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
You Might Also Like
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee