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[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving