Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.