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You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Printer ink is expensive
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck