[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Perfect
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
This is Sparta
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*