me after eating Cheetos
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Breaking news:
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good