Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

whatcha thinkin bout

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

let’s discuss