Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

#DesignFail

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there