every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
You Might Also Like
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
is it too early for christmas memes
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.