Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
TEETH IS INNOCENT
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!