Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
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Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
🤣
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Not today
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
