Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
