every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
