every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger