Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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Good morning!
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
We’ve all been there
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.