every college guy’s fridge
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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My sex drive has a dui
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”