every college guy’s fridge
![]()
You Might Also Like
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body