every college guy’s fridge
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie