Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Eating for two.

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

HOW DARE YOU

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.