Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie