Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
You Might Also Like
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
