Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
When I snag the last meatball.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
