Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
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I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!