*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Every time.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”