Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”
Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks,
“Why would anyone want to kill their wife?”
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“Expose yourself to Art” they said
“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*
People in the Central Time Zone need to pick a side.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??