@RandomManik

Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks,

“Why would anyone want to kill their wife?”

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@Mr_Kapowski

Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”

@SteveSuckington

“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say

@PickleRudd

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

@utofellatio

[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*

@UnFitz

People in the Central Time Zone need to pick a side.

@wendchymes

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

@TheHatStore

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

@CatherineLMK

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??