every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing