Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

My first son he is wonderful

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions