Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is sending me to another galaxy

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

Acronyms got me like WTF?

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event