every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
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[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
what’s really going on
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Can. I. Help. You.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.