Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
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Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
need him
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.