Every damn time
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
this has done me in for some reason
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.