Every damn time
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Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
All generalizations are stupid.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese