Every. Damn. Time.
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Nose
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.