Every. Damn. Time.
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Had a spot of bother earlier.
