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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.