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My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly