Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin