Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda