Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today