Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.