Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic