Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…