Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
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In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Covid like
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
lmao😭🤣
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.