Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
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Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
What personal space?
My dog
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Batman v Dracula
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.