Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
