Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Cndnsd Mlk
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
getting old is fun
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Generation gap…
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work