Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
smh
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The news
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.