Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.