Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If looks could kill
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
