Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
just leave it at the foot of the bed
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?