Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
You Might Also Like
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.