every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Terribly Tuesday.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”