every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
every olympics i turn into this guy
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area