every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Cool shirt 🙂
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?