Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.