Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
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[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.