Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
The three genders.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
listen closely
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?