Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Vodka burrito was a success

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.