Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?