Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
welp
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you