Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac