Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Managing expectations
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.