Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Close call…

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.