Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
so, is there a mister shapen head
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…