Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.