Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
i was dropped as an adult
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week