Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

Feels

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Admin smashed it 😂

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.