Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The old gods are rising again.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?