Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
They’re called werewolves.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath