Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Looking at you, Jesus.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
