Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
not seeing the problem
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.