Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
You Might Also Like
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.