Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie