Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.