Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
In banana years, I am bread.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Baller is short for ballerina
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works