Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty