Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones