Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

Pikachu found the lost joint

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.