every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
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When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
scared to check what name she chose
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.